One dozen cookies to the person who leaves me the funniest comment. That's right, I want to laugh - hard. My family and I will review the comments on Monday and decide who made us laugh the hardest. That person will get one dozen, fresh baked, homemade decorated cookies.(If you want to participate and you aren't local, I will happily ship the cookies at your expense. It runs about $20 to ship them fresh).
24 comments:
ooh, what a great giveaway! wish i could think of something clever and funny right now. i'll work on it...
Oh I want to win!
Here is a funny:
Maya and I at "The W" aka WalMart in the feminine product aisle. She spots my particular box of tampons and yells, "My mommy uses those to wipe her bum!"
There you have it!
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. No one is listening until you fart.
4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
10. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
11. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
12. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
13. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
That's what I'm going to do and hope I weeeeen!!!
I think you should give the cookies to Brother Cardon who said about the birth of his first son - "I haven't seen anything that messy since I gutted my first deer." I have been chuckling about that all week.
If I think of something funny I will submit it. I'm putting my thinking cap on because your cookies ROCK!
For a funny blog go to www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com. You will appreciate the horror of cakes gone very wrong.
In case someone is reading this who is not in our ward, the reason the gutting the first deer comment was so funny is because he said it during a talk at church last Sunday.
His.............
Name............
Was.............
R U S T Y ! ! !
He was a show girl!
With purple flowers in his hair.....
I have to laugh at this to keep myself from throwing up. I saw Tate wiping up the floor this morning and thought how cute hes was....until I saw what he was wiping up....his poop. Bless his heart. Had to share even though it isn't worthy of your cookies.
So tonight I decide to get in the tub and relax and try out my new fluffy robe my friends gave me for my bday..
So I jump in and here comes the kids....
Before I know it they are BOTH getting in the tub with me! I grab a towel and put it over me in the water...
Suddenly Aleck says," SORRY MOM "! I PEED!!!! :)
So much for my relaxing bath!! HA! :)
So when my son was about 5 or 6 where he could read we bought him a bag of marbles. He was so excited and was reading the bag. He was very serious and really wanted to know and asked me -
"Mom, how do you play CHOKING HAZARD?"
It was so funny - I will always remember that.
When my niece was about 8, she asked me what I did for a living. I told her I was an insurance agent. Her eyes got real big and she said in a loud whisper, "Do you know karate?". I wasn't quite following her line of thought until I realized that she thought I said "secret agent", not "insurance agent". This was several years ago and I still laugh about it with her.
Too tired to be funny. Read my latest post. Maybe it'll make you laugh.
He wore blue ones two days ago. AND I wish that he'd wear sneakers with knee socks. (You'll get it when you read...)
So you know we went to the circus tonight, and it was going much better than expected until we left. No sooner had we gotten in the car and wound into all the exiting traffic when Griffin announces that he "has got to go PEE PEE!" There is no stopping, and he has no control, so I hand him a bottle with specific instruction to get his little thingy INSIDE the bottle. (Specifics are very important I have discovered...the hard way.) For a moment I think it is going okay until I hear, "It got on my pee pee," as he hands me the bottle, and that's when I realize that it's dripping down the outside of the bottle as well--WHICH I'M HOLDING!!!
"Sick! Griffin! Logan find me a--a--a---(mind not functioning. Too obsessed with pee covered hands!) a--a napkin!!!"
"Why?"
"Because I'm covered in URINE!"
To which Logan calmly responds, "You shouldn't be so upset. That's just part of being a mom."
Here's a funny conversation that happened at breakfast this morning.
SCOTT: "Some twins look alike and some don't."
JACOBY: "Yeah, if they look alike they are identical."
SCOTT: "And if they look different, they're nocturnal, or something like that."
MOM: "Fraternal, Mr. Scott. The word is fraternal."
SCOTT: "Remember in California Zach had a friend who had twins in his family? Well, they were not identical because one of them had brown hair and one of them had blonde hair."
MOM: "Scotty, the main reason you can tell that the Longson twins are not identical is because one is a boy and one is a girl."
SCOTT: "Well, and because only one of them wears glasses I think."
(Yeah Scotty, it was definitely the glasses...)
But Laurel's situation was SO funny! From my kids' personal experience I must say that a Gatorade bottle works best in desperate pee in the van situations. The only problem we had with that was when Scott pee'd in a lemon gatorade bottle on a roadtrip. When we got in the van the next morning Thane had forgotten about the pee bottle and grabbed the lovely "yellow Gatorade" and nearly took a big swig of it. Luckily the smell alerted him. YUCK!
I look forward to everyday to walk with my friends. I have some really nice friends here. We have the best talks, solve life's problems and try to save the world. Our walks can be so adventures. I'm always looking for snakes. Snakes freak me out!Yesterday I finally saw one on our walk. The best part about it, it was dead!
Here is a funny story:
One morning I was walking with my friend Susan and my 2 cute kids. We were having a nice deep conversation and all of a sudden I heard a noise that was my nightmare. A snake! Well I was so scared I left my stroller and ran in the middle of the street as I screamed. I scared my fiend ad my kids. My friend said, Michelle you left your kids to save your self" I replied, well that's what you do when you think you hear a snake. I guess you can say, I was a little freaked out!
This is a funny true story that happened to me. I thought I might share with all of you. My sister -n- law Pam is writing this.
Ammunition in the Gun
My poor brother-in-law, Cade, called me from his cell phone the other day and he was laughing in a very hysterical, abnormal way. He had something to tell me, but he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud. He said he needed to confide in someone.
Well, let me start out by saying he had the snip-snip operation a few months ago because they were done having kids. They have 4 kids and the oldest is 8. My sister-in-law Michelle was SO excited to know that she was done having babies.
Did you know that these procedures are sometimes not 100% effective? That is why you use birth control for several months until the medical personnel are sure that the procedure was a success. You get the wonderful experience of bringing in "samples" to check for any escapee sperm. I guess my brother-in-law isn't a very good listener or maybe he was just forgetful or something but he forgot the part about the birth control.
So after a few weeks of "complacency" he took his little sample in to the doctor fully expecting the same results as the previous sample time. Imagine his surprise when they received the phone call that there were indeed sperm in the sample and that the procedure was not a success. That is what I mean when I say "ammunition in the gun."
My sister-in-law is beyond worry now. It will be a long couple of weeks until they know if my brother-in-law's inept listening skills will have some very permanent after-effects. Just for the record Cade, you will be in deep doo-doo if your wife is pregnant with baby number 5. You'll be buying a new SUV to fit all the car seats, hiring a weekly maid, re-buying lots of baby equipment, paying for more babysitters and possibly paying for mental institution fees for Michelle. Better be prepared to starts selling off some stocks buddy! (hee hee).
Seriously, if they are pregnant it would be wonderful to have another niece or nephew. Their kids are so cute and smart. Or maybe it will be twins? We'll wait and see....
This was months ago, and we're not having our 5th baby. This experience made me realize even more I was really done. I happy with the 4 beautiful children we have. Michelle Walton (Pam's sister-n-law)
When I lived in California I went to my mom’s house to visit with the kids often. My mom invited me and her two friends over to taste of her apricots clobber. I have to say that was the best I have ever had.
My mom’s friend left to go home as I went to smart in finale for me mom. Exactly 1 hour later, I needed to find the rest room. Just know I had an explosion. I couldn’t sit on the toilet fast enough before it came out! What a mess! I was so embarrassed and I tried to clean up as much as possible. I droped everything and had to get out of the store before people would start smelling me.
As I walked in, my mom was laughing so hard she peed her pants. It took 30 minutes before I could get out why she was laughing so hard.
So she told me exactly 1 hour after eating her apricot cobbler her friends had an explosion of a life time. One happened in her car and the other at the store shopping with her husband. Then I shared my story and we laughed for hours. Every time I bring up the famous cobbler, we laugh till we start crying.
So yes, I just told my most embarrassing story, so that deserves to win!!
Michelle Walton
My daughter Hailey is 3 years old, and talks really well for her age. Before she was potty trained she would a lot of private infections. So we used a lot of cream till gave up her diapers. So here is the story:
We’re in Fry’s one day and Hailey yells out, my ginnnnna hurts I need medicine. I turned red because everyone stopped, starred and laugh. I started crying at that point. I think I was feeling a little PMS that day!
Mellissa! I have two pretty funny clips on my blog. Check them out and see if I am in the competition!!!
I was having a "serious" talk with Ben about his 4 year old future...
I ask him "Ben what do you want to be when you grow up?"
He replies "Umm, I just want to dig through the trash and find money"
I was so proud...his goal is to be HOMELESS!
Can't be the aspirations of being a homeless guy, but I thought you'd like this one. I can't claim it though.
He [Pres. Monson] recalled a time he and his wife were kneeling with their 3-year-old son, who was learning to pray and was asking God to bless a member of their congregation who was ill.
"Bless Sister Lister, Henny Penny, Chicken Licken and Turkey Lurkey," the boy prayed, as his parents smiled quietly. "Never dismiss the prayer of a child," he urged, noting the family was "later humbled as Sister Lister sustained a full recovery."
I smiled.
FROM http://www.deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,700258982,00.html
Oh, yeah. I forgot. "My ding-a-ling, my-ding-a-ling. I want you...to...play...with....Uh, whoops!" (Does that still make you laugh really hard? 'Cause it still makes me blush!)
Oops, should have previewed that:
Can't beat the aspirations of being a homeless guy.
The other day we went out to dinner and in the middle of the meal Thomas needed to go potty. I took him to the restroom and when we got in the stall he announced loudly that he needed to go poop. I smiled, what do expect? he's three.
Then he proceeds to loudly narrate everything, here's are a few excerpts:
"I'm taking off my pants, Mom. My undies are so blue, that's my favorite color. Wow, Mom! That was a big poop, I'm a good pooper huh. Do you know what color poop is Mom? I do, it's brown. Oh, I tooted. I tooted again!! Hey Mom, we don't eat poop, 'cause that's gross. Emerson poops in his diaper. You hate poopy diapers huh Mom. Ok, I'm done, wipe my bum! You're a good wiper Mom!! I'm putting my undies back on now. Wow, I had lots of poops. Mom, say 'good job Thomas.'"
There was more than one chuckle coming from the sinks.
Okay so Im not much of a jokester...however 3 stories that are hilarious...and seriously about made me crap my pants.
#1- Recently...my sister, a blonde was in the grocery store purchasing groceries. As she was checking out...a gentleman before her was about to pay for his groceries...when she noticed an item had "slipped" past the grocery divider. My sister being the loud person that she is....held the item high & said "Sir, is this yours" The gentleman was soooo embarassed, but replied "Yes...thats mine" My sister then being the dits..that she is said..."Oh, well it must have "slipped" through the cracks" The item was PREPARATION H. The man was so bright red...and my sister didnt even get what she had said till she got in the car to go home. She laughed so hard...she peed her pants... LITERALLY
#2-My grandmother was sitting in sacrament meeting not too long ago.
one of the grandkids were sitting next to her...however kept scooting away from her. Grandma didnt know why her little grandchild would keep scooting farther & farther away. Finally my grandmother said "Come sit by me...you keep scooting away" Her grandchild said so abruptly loud "Pee U! Grandma you have bad breath" She said it so loud...the entire congregation chuckled.
#3-okay as mentioned in story #1...I have a sister...or rather sister-in-law that is a ditsy blonde (Love her dearly..but true)
This last weekend she was at the ATM...trying to withdrawel cash from her account...she sat their for 20 minutes trying to get cash out of that darn machine...called her husband & finally called the teller trying to figure out why she couldnt get cash out....Finally...the teller said "Did you swipe your card"?? "I think so" my sister replied...."Are you sure" The teller said. My sister then busts out laughing...again almost crapping her pants. By now...the teller was aggravated. "Can I help you" the teller said...Hardly being able to speak..."Umm no," my sister replied. The teller walked out "R you ok"? Yah...I tried swiping my $20 bill.not my card. The teller could hardly stand to even talk...he was laughing so hard. I WANT COOKIES!! I WANT COOKIES!! I WANT COOKIES. :)
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